The Reason the Golf Pro Tells You to Keep Your Head Down is so You Can't See Her Laughing

I overheard a conversation in a hallway at work the other day, and while I don’t make a habit of eavesdropping, the topic was golf, so my ears perked up.

It was a conversation between two guys and they were talking about how they—I quote—hate to get stuck behind a foursome of women on a golf course because women play so slow.

Anyone who knows me knows that it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut, because I firmly believe the notion that women play golf slower than men is a myth. It may be true that some women play slower than some men, but I’d be willing to bet if anyone bothered to conduct a little research on the subject, they would discover that, in fact, overall, the average male golfer (AMG) plays slower than the average female golfer (AFG).

And understand, I am talking about average golfers here—not scratch golfers. I’m talking about ordinary hackers who play once, maybe twice a week—a group to which I happen to know my hallway golfers belong. Yes, I know them—I’m just too polite to yell “Horseshit!” at anyone in a crowded hallway. (Because I had a mama, and she highly discouraged that kind of thing.)

Back to my point. Reasons why I believe the AMG is slower are numerous, and most of them stem from my actual observations on the golf course. The first is that, although (or because) the AFG usually doesn’t hit as far as her male counterpart, the AFG usually hits straighter. The AFG doesn’t have to spend upwards of 10 minutes looking for her golf ball because said ball can usually be found somewhere in the fairway. The AMG can hit farther, sometimes really, really farther, but because the AMG is only average, he cannot manage both distance and accuracy. Eighty per cent of the time, the big-hitting AMG is going to wind up in the woods or the weeds, and it is the rare AMG indeed who will abandon his search for a ball after a couple of minutes.

Which leads me to the next reason why I believe the AMG, in general, plays slower than the AFG. The AMG is more likely to gamble with his buddies on the golf course. And because his money, not to mention his ego, are at stake, a lost golf ball and the resulting penalty is a much bigger deal. Why, the AMG could lose up to a dollar or two for that stroke (or more, depending on the extent of the AMG’s disposable income and the amount of trash-talking he has done), not to mention the cost of the ball.

You see, the AMG tends to play an expensive golf ball because the AMG tends to believe the marketing that says equipment will make a huge difference in his game—and this even though he only plays once or twice a week.

Another reason I believe the AMG is slower is that the AMG is more likely to try to mimic what he sees the pros do on TV. You will rarely see the AFG reach down for a fistful of grass and throw it up in the air to determine wind speed and direction, whereas you will see the AMG wasting his and everyone else’s time doing this a lot—way more often than you would believe.

Likewise, you will rarely see the AFG stand on a green and hold up her putter in front of her face to help determine the line between the ball and the cup, and you will almost certainly never see the AFG get down on all fours on a green, ala Spiderman, to “study” its characteristics. I personally wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen the AMG do one or both of these things. I also wish I had a dollar for every time the AMG missed the very putt he took such care and so much time lining up.

Last but not least, the AMG is way more likely to take multiple practice swings before he hits the ball, sometimes as many as four. Four. Do you have any idea how much time is eaten up by that many practice swings? But that’s not all. Once the AMG is finally done with all his practice swings, he situates himself over the ball and . . . stands there.

I’m never quite sure what the AMG could possibly be thinking about when he does this, but he stands over the ball an inordinately long time. What’s that all about? Is he having a seizure? A sexual fantasy? I don’t know, but the AFG can feel her hair sprouting gray while she waits for the AMG to hit the damn ball.

I was not privy to the entire hallway conversation, but my best guess is that my colleagues were taking a single bad experience they’d had and extrapolating it to the entire population of women golfers, because (a) they’d had the misfortune of actually being behind four slow women and not taken into account the number of times they’d been behind equally slow men, or (b) they’re just jerks who don’t like women intruding on what they consider their domain: the golf course.

To which the AFG says: TFB.